


A Slight Change in Plans

by asaucyginger



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 13:13:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6521194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asaucyginger/pseuds/asaucyginger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A simple hunt like this shouldn't have gone so wrong for the gentlemen of Casa de Kaer Morhen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Slight Change in Plans

No one saw the black sports car until it peeled out from the shadows of an alley deep in the heart of the city’s club district. Under normal circumstances this sort of invisibility would have been due to the very sleek black finish and blackout tint on the window; under normal circumstances, people might have dodged out of the way, cursing at or admiring this fine piece of automotive ass. 

Tonight, however, most people were more concerned about not being eaten by the two-story tall fiend rampaging through the crowded streets. Which was unfortunate because Lambert devoted a considerable amount of time to making his ride both monster-hunting practical and aesthetically pleasing.

Red license plates on the front and back with a wolf’s head emblem. Windshield stickers on the front and back windows, same design. Yes sir, your friendly neighborhood Witchers were on the case. Albeit a little late for some people, but have you ever tried to flush a giant fiend that crawled into the city sewer system for three days only to have it get loose and go above ground? 

No? 

Then don’t judge.

The city public works department called the Wolf School to take care of the problem. And the Wolf School’s original plan had been a three point attack: Geralt pulled the short straw and was supposed to force flush the creature out of the sewers with flash-bang grenades and sword poking (a job he was uniquely suited for since he had years of experience mucking around in shit). When the fiend exited the sewer into the culvert Lambert would pick up the in his car, herding the fiend toward Eskel, who would be set up on his truck bed positioned at the narrowest end of the culvert with a surprise for the fiend. A rocket-propelled surprise that Eskel had been cooking up for weeks.

Great plan. Awesome, kick ass, damn-you-boys-are-good-here’s-a-bonus plan.

So looking back at things, Lambert could identify exactly ten things that happened to make their plan go tits up in the water:  
1\. The fiend turned out to be unafraid of flash-bang grenades and sword-poking.  
2\. The fiend decided instead that Geralt looked delicious.  
3\. Geralt decided instead to be a slice of live bait and took off for the sewer outlet.  
4\. Engine revving and already on edge, Lambert peeled off after the first thing that exited the sewer. Not realizing that it was in fact Geralt heading out of the sewer first and not the fiend, Lambert almost ran Geralt over.   
5\. With Lambert now ahead of the fiend in his car, Lambert was now heading straight for Eskel's truck.  
6\. While Lambert was willing to take some cosmetic damage on his car, there was no goddamn way he was about to let t-bone Eskel’s truck. That was straight up frame damage territory. Also Eksel would most likely be mortally wounded and die. Which would also be bad. So Lambert took a hard left and avoided the truck, leaving Eskel with a clear shot of the fiend.  
7\. Eskel fired the RPG only to miss the fiend. He did, however, nearly hit Geralt instead.  
8\. With the unscathed fiend bearing down on him, Eskel made a judgment call: Load up another grenade round and shoot before this hulking piece of crap slammed into his truck or GTFO. He chose GTFO.  
9\. GTFO-ing gave the fiend a clear path right down the culvert and onto a side street leading to the club district.  
10\. Lambert really couldn’t think of a ten. Nine was bad enough.

After a quick discussion between the three of them, punctuated with plenty of salty language from all parties involved, they devised a new-ish plan: Find the fiend. Take it down with the RPG. Get paid. Go home.

This brought him to the point where he was driving at unholy speeds in the wrong direction on crowded streets, hot on the heels of the fiend. The fact that the thing was regularly stopping to maul/eat the locals was working in Lambert’s favor. He gained enough on the fiend to bump it’s left flank like a cattle dog with a V8 engine, breaking and accelerating between bumps to avoid any blow back from the creature until he was able to coax it down a semi-deserted street. He radioed ahead to Eskel.

At this point, Lambert helpfully reminded Eksel to “not fucking miss this time.” Eskel helpfully told Lambert to “shut the fuck up.” Geralt, chiming in on the three way, helpfully pointed out to both Lambert and Eskel that they were “acting like an old married couple” and that this was not a compliment.

So once again Eskel’s two-toned, well-worn but well-loved heavy duty truck up came fast in Lambert’s field of vision. And just like before, Eskel was standing in the bed with the RPG, ready to fire.

This time, however, he did not miss. He hit the goddamn thing right between the eyes, just as planned.

Too bad they didn't plan for the fiend’s head to explode into that many tiny pieces. Or for the laws of physics, which dictated that a large body in motion would stay in motion until another force acted upon it, whether or not Object #1 had a head. Likewise, the head bits would also continue moving until another force acted upon them.

In this situation the forces acting on those head and body bits would be, in no particular order: Gravity, Eskel’s truck, and Eskel.

When it was all over, Lambert had to feel sorry for the guy. It’s one thing to poke around inside a monster carcass for the sake of science. It’s another thing to be coated in one.

Lambert brought his car to a stop as Geralt arrived on his Roach Motors SL5 motorcycle. After a respectful moment of silence for Eskel's situation, the two pulled out their phones.

Eskel wiped a chunk of something from his forehead, slinging to the pavement with a meatly slap. “Don’t you fucking—”

Click. Click. Flash. Flash.

“—dare.”


End file.
